How to; be in my mid-twenties

A little brainstorm of all of the things I have learnt so far in my mid-twenties.

How to cook – pretty essential when you have boys to feed. If I lived on my own I probably wouldnt bother to cook every night.

How to keep the peace – not always having to win an argument and diffusing them. It just makes life easier. At home, amongst friends, at work, just in general. Everyone needs to pipe down a bit.

How to give birth – pretty impressive body I’ve got here, dont ya think?!

How to look after something that isn’t a cat – a real life baby boy. Its easier than people make out sometimes, although its the first time I have had another humans crap on my hands.

How to multi-task – juggling everything; work, home, family, hobbies, chores etc. My best example of this is brushing teeth in shower and on the loo!

How to build a house – massive exaggeration. I have never built a house. But we did knock down the back of ours and had builders re-build it. That was an experience.

How to care less – Concealer and mascara? Yea, that’ll do! Most people don’t even really pay attention to my face, not that much anyway. There’s lots of people in the world and basically, ‘no one is looking at you’.

How to worry more – constantly checking you turned the oven off so you don’t kill all of your family in a house fire. Also, never trusting strangers because they have seen how cute your kid is and they are all paedos.

How to go on a diet – Yes, I never thought it would happen but my metabolism has slowed down and now I cant eat everything in sight and still be in shape. I too have to diet and exercise like all the other humans now. Fucking nightmare.

How to have a long-term relationship – I am a grown up that can’t be bothered to argue anymore. Plus we have a mortgage and a child, so things could get tricky!

How to appreciate quality not quantity – sweets, alcohol, holidays, clothes, bed sheets. This can be applied to everything, including sex. The only thing it will never apply to is money, there is no such thing as quality money, only quantities; which for me are minimal.

How to appreciate a good sit down – Its only recently that I have appreciated just sitting the F down and doing nothing, just existing in silence for a few minutes.

How to only have good friends – I didnt know it at the time but 10 years ago or so I was pretending to like a lot of people just because they were friends with a few select people that I liked. Thats not a thing any more, Im not wasting my life pretending to be entertained by your ridiculous drivel about your shithole of a life. Ripping out the weeds makes for a much nicer garden (this is by no means a reflection of my actual garden which is currently full of weeds).

There’s is more. But these are the best ones.